You understand that the holidays are going to be difficult when you’ve lost a loved one, but you don’t anticipate just how difficult they’re going to be. Because it turns out that it’s not just that person’s absence that makes it horrible, but the loss of your own enjoyment of the holidays. All the anticipation you used to feel, all the plans you used to make, all the things you used to do: your loved one was an integral part of all of it, and without them here to share in the joy of it, what’s the point?
There’s also a tremendous feeling of guilt. How can I find beauty in the lights, how can I enjoy the food or the music, how can I take pleasure in any of these things when my loved one isn’t here to share it? All the movies and commercials are about happy families celebrating together and that was us once, we were the ideal, but not now, not anymore. I have the memories but memories aren’t enough.
So you’ve not only lost the person you love, you’ve also lost this season that you used to enjoy so much and everything associated with it. You’ve lost the music that brought you joy, the food that you looked forward to having, the beautiful sights and sounds and smells that you associate with the holidays, because everything is tainted with the bitterness of this loss, with emptiness.
